Parenting Advice from Supermom

Recently I've had a few experiences involving other mothers and the "advice" they give. I put advice in quotes because what they've actually offered is a series of condescending reprimands. For example, a sweet friend asked other mothers for some advice or encouragement with "crying it out" in a facebook group. I became very interested in her post because the twins are still waking at night several times at 5 months. While she did receive some encouragement, there was plenty of discouragement, judgment, and just borderline mean responses. Let me remind you that she asked for advice and encouragement. I did weigh in on the discussion with my own thoughts, experiences, and decisions in an effort to provide her with what she requested. I bit my tongue in response to the other moms who offered the opposite.

Very soon after this experience, a fellow twin mom penned this blog. I encourage you to hop over there and read her entry in addition to mine. I plan to echo many of her ideas and style, so I want to give credit to the original post that inspired me. I believe her post was in response to a conversation regarding if twins should be dressed alike (many moms felt a strong opposition to this because it hinders individuality). As a supermom myself, I felt it was time to weigh in on these issues...the Lord has blessed me as a mother, and I do feel strongly about this blessing. I also feel strongly about our jobs as mothers to encourage one another, and that is the basis for this post.

First, a little background about myself & my choices as a parent. I will imitate the style of much of the previously mentioned blog post to list some of my parenting decisions.

1. My babies cry. Sometimes they cry themselves to sleep; sometimes they cry in the middle of the night; sometimes they cry in the exercauser while the other baby is nursing or having a diaper change; sometimes they even cry when I'm holding them! I do not jump at their every whimper. I use my instincts as a mother to determine their needs and make a decision based on that determination. At times it means they cry themselves to sleep, at times it means I hold them, at times it means I nurse them even though it's not the scheduled feeding time, and at times it means I seek to comfort them through some sort of activity.

2. We use disposable diapers. Many of my friends use cloth diapers. I think that these friends are fantastic, economical, and environmentally friendly. I am a little bit lazy and slightly overwhelmed, so disposable diapers work best for me.

3. I breastfeed until at least a year. Maddex was breastfed for 13 months, and I plan to nurse the twins at least that long. We currently supplement the twins with some formula when I can't pump enough and to build up a small stash in the freezer. Honestly, it has turned out that most of my close friends have also chosen to breastfeed for most, all, or beyond the first year. I have friends who used formula from day one - and guess what? Their babies are healthy, happy, and thriving!

4. Maddex wasn't introduced to solids until around 6 months. The twins will be at least 6 months before they start cereal or food. We may even skip cereal and go mostly to food. Breastmilk will still be their primary source of nutrition. I plan for food to mostly be for "fun" between 6 months & 1 year. One of my friends recently fed her 6 month old an "adult sized helping of green bean casserole" (her words) - and guess what? Her baby is healthy, happy, and thriving!

5. Sometimes I wear the twins in a wrap or carrier when they're fussy. Sometimes I change their activity to see what suits them. Sometimes I put them in front of the tv with some Baby Einstein to keep their attention for 30 minutes. I love Baby Einstein.

6. My children get vaccinations at every scheduled milestone.

7. We use antibiotics to treat infections.

8. Maddex is still rear-facing in her carseat. The twins will rear face until at least age two.

9. All of our children sleep in their own beds (except for the early days when they would fall asleep while we were holding them or next to us on the couch). Major still sleeps in a "rock & play." He also sleeps in a closet or bathroom with the fan running.

10. Maddex is two. She gets punished - almost daily. She gets time out in her room and spankings when she's disobedient. Sometimes we speak to her harshly, sometimes too harshly. Sometimes we hold her close and try to talk her quietly through her fit. We are always careful to affirm her with love after a punishment.

11. Personally, I believe strongly in the power of the words we speak to and over our children. I try to be careful how I label Maddex - especially in front of her. I do my best to speak words of encouragement to her. In times of frustration or misbehavior, I try to focus on her actions and not HER.

12. We try to make Maddex eat what we eat. At times, she gets her way and eats macaroni and cheese or just cornbread for dinner. She also eats goldfish, candy, and other processed food. When we're healthy, she's healthy. And she eats cheerios. Lots of cheerios.

These are all facts about how I choose to parent my children. Some choices are made from research, some are from conviction, some are simply because that's what those before me have done. Ultimately, and here's my point - these are MY decisions about MY children. You are free to make your own decisions about your children, but neither of us should be judged or spoken to condescendingly because of our choices. Let me put a disclaimer here that there is a place for discussion about decisions that put children in danger - for example...an infant forward facing in his/her carrier in the front of a single cab truck or allowing your toddler to run with scissors. Even in these instances, conversations should be approached delicately and with motives for encouragement and help. After all, we are all doing the best we can.

It saddens me to hear young mothers say they are afraid to discuss their parenting choices for fear of judgment or backlash. As a community of moms, we know how hard this job is. We should be here to encourage one another.  We must band together to support other mothers when they ask and to provide them with the type of support that will strengthen them as parents. No one should feel bad about a parenting decision they make, whether it's crying it out, vaccines, or when to introduce solids. I'm certainly not perfect in this area; there has been many a time when I've seen a mom make a decision that I don't particular support. In that moment I choose to remember the saying "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." I am also trying to be better about reminding myself that she is, like me, doing the best she can with this tough job of motherhood.

I'll end with a discussion of my post title. I am a supermom, but this doesn't mean I am a perfect mom. I make mistakes, I learn from those mistakes, and I move on. I make decisions as best I can. I love my babies and try my darndest to do right by them. I want them to know they are loved unconditionally by me, their father, and their Heavenly Father. I work hard every day as a mom to provide for my children. This is what makes me a supermom. Whether you have one child or many, whether they are young or grown, whether you breastfeed or formula feed, whether you cloth diaper or use disposables, whether you vaccinate or don't - hear this: YOU ARE SUPERMOM, TOO! Let's tackle motherhood together, support one another, and be an encouraging force for other moms out there. Next time you feel judgmental toward another mom, remind yourself that she is a supermom. Finally, when you feel the sting of criticism from another, remember you are supermom!